Xena Quotes

As you could probably figure, this is my page of Xena quotes. Xena is very cool. As the show varies between very silly and highly serious, the quotes do too. I have them in season order, then in episode order. This file is currently on through Season 3, which I hope to rectify shortly.

Jump to a season:
Season 1 Season 2 Season 3 Disclaimers Misc

Season 1

"Did you see the guy they want me to marry?"
"He looks like a gentle soul, that's rare in a man."
"It's not the gentle part I have a problem with, it's the dull, stupid part."

-- Gabrielle and Xena in "Sins of the Past"

"Go away, Xena, this is not your town anymore. We're not your people. I'm not your mother."

-- Cyrene in "Sins of the Past"

"It's hard to be alone."
"You're not alone."

-- Xena and Gabrielle in "Sins of the Past"

"Mother, forgive me, please."
"I forgive you, my little one, I forgive you."

-- Xena and Cyrene in "Sins of the Past"

"What's wrong with this place?"
"Hello beautiful." burp
"Another place sounds good."

-- Gabrielle and drunk in "Chariots of War"

"So Zeus, in his appreciation, turned the two lovers into oak trees. And then do you know what happened?"
"Somebody built a boat out of them?"
"No, their branches intertwined and they spent the rest of their days in each other's embrace."
"What's the point?"
"Come on, Xena. I believe everyone will find their tree in the forest someday. Even you."
"I find the strongest trees in the forest stand alone."
"You don't have to be strong all the time, Xena. Sometimes it's good for the soul to be soft."

-- Gabrielle and Xena in "Chariots of War"

"Remind me to talk to you sometime about your taste in men."

-- Xena to Gabrielle in "Chariots of War"

"Are you so brave that you fear somebody caring for you?"

-- Darius in "Chariots of War"

"You call that a jump?"
"No, it was a frantic leap."

-- Xena and Gabrielle in "Chariots of War"

"Don't confuse defending yourself with using a weapon. When you pull a sword you have to be ready to kill."

-- Xena in "Dreamworker"

"All right, the rules of survival: #1. If you can run, run. #2. If you can't run, surrender, then run. #3. If you're outnumbered, let them fight each other while you run. #4..."
"Wait...more running?"
"No, four is where you talk your way out of it, and I know you can do that."

-- Xena and Gabrielle in "Dreamworker"

"The first time you pick up a sword, you become a target. And the moment you kill...everything changes. Everything."

-- Xena in "Dreamworker"

"I'll keep this[breast dagger] for the time being."
"Ha! It's not like your breasts aren't dangerous enough!"

-- Xena and Gabrielle in "Dreamworker"

"You're lucky the tree was unarmed. You could've been hurt."

-- Xena in "Dreamworker"

"You're trying to slow me down. You're using the past of a Xena long dead. I'm not her anymore!"

-- Xena in "Dreamworker"

"Does it all happen because of fate? Or is it just chance?"
"I think it all happened 'cause you slept on a rock."

-- Gabrielle and Xena in "Cradle of Hope"

"What we have here is a failure to communicate."

-- Gabrielle in "The Path Not Taken"

"You do one thing, one good thing for no other reason than you know its right, that's the first step."
"I'm not that strong."

-- Xena and Marcus in "The Path not Taken"

"Don't be sorry, just improve."

-- Xena in "The Titans"

"May I speak to you, oh sacred one?"

-- Xena in "The Titans"

"You just think I'm a kid."
"No I don't, I just don't have time to convince you right now."

-- Gabrielle and Xena in "The Titans"

"Well, that's your problem! I'm not a virgin anymore!"

-- Gabrielle in "The Titans"

"You're not much for girl talk, are you? Then of course you're not like most girls."

-- Gabrielle in "Prometheus"

"You've been helping people."
"Someone taught me it's the only reason to be on this earth."
"Now who would that be?"
"Some legendary hero, I forget his name."

-- Hercules and Xena in "Prometheus"

"Come. Now."
"I'm sorry you must have me mistaken for a pet."
"Would you come with me?"
"That's better."

-- Ephany and Gabrielle in "Hooves and Harlots"

"Gabrielle, do you want to fight me to the death?"
"Not really."

-- Melosa and Gabrielle in "Hooves and Harlots"

"Centaurs aren't known for their stupidity."
"Amazons aren't known for asking questions."
"I'm not an Amazon."
"If it looks like a hydra and moves like a hydra, it's a hydra."

-- Xena and Phantes in "Hooves and Harlots"

"I have many skills."

-- Xena in "The Black Wolf," the first time it's ever said.

"What do you want to do?"
"I don't know. No one's ever asked me that before."

-- Xena and Helen in "Beware Greeks Bearing Gifts"

"Even if I had an army around me, I'd still notice you were missing."

-- Xena in "Athens City Academy Of The Performing Bards"

"I only remember one story told me when I was young. It was about two orphans who decided to search the world for their families. And it's all about their adventures, and how they kept searching. But the part I remember most is the end. And when the first man..."
"Reached the end of his journey, he found himself at the beginning. The family he had sought had traveled the world with him. The only family he'd ever known, ever needed, was standing right beside him. I know the story."
"Thanks for being my family. You're like a sister to me. Now go get your dream."

-- Xena & Gabrielle in "Athens City Academy Of The Performing Bards"

"Most people think of death as the end, when in fact, death can be the beginning."

-- Gabrielle in "Athens City Academy Of The Performing Bards"

"Now you don't even believe I'm me. You think I'm Xena, well I can't be Xena, because I'm not Xena." sob
"You're not Xena."

-- Princess Diana and Gabrielle in "Warrior...Princess?"

"Tell me what to do to be a convincing Xena."
"Well for starters, stop crying."

-- Princess Diana and Gabrielle in "Warrior...Princess"

"It's my round killing thing."
"Chakram."
"Bless you!"

-- Princess Diana and Gabrielle in "Warrior...Princess"

"I was just trying to give it some color, it seemed so awfully dark."
"Well you have to convince people that you're me, and I like dark."

-- Princess Diana and Xena in "Warrior...Princess"

"You had people waiting on you hand and foot. Fulfilling your every whim."
"Hey, that's what you're here for."

-- Gabrielle and Xena in "Warrior...Princess"

"Gabrielle this is Marcus."
"Oh I've heard so much about you. I'm sorry we didn't get to meet before you were...killed."

-- Xena and Gabrielle in "Mortal Beloved"

"You see, a woman's chastity is like a new hat...a beautiful thing that's...going to kill me."

-- Autolycus in "Royal Couple of Thieves"

"Hey, you all right?"
"Yeah, yeah I'm good. Considering I was almost roadkill, I'm perfect."

-- Xena and Gabrielle in "The Prodigal"

"I have to find out what's going on with me and I have to do that at home."
"But you're coming back, right?"

-- Gabrielle and Xena in "The Prodigal"

"What in the name of Zeus are you doing?"
"What does it look like? I'm rescuing you."
"That's not what it looks like."
"Maybe not, but it will now that I'm on the inside."
"You have a plan?"
"Any minute now."

-- Meleager and Gabrielle in "The Prodigal"

"By the Gods!"
"What is it?"
"You are beautiful!"

-- Gabrielle and Xena in "Altered States"

"I'm great. I can't see but I'm good."
"Try using both eyes."
"Oh, oh yeah that's better."
"Think you can stand?"
"You mean I'm not?"

-- Gabrielle and Xena in "Altered States"

"Have I made myself clear?"
"No. You're a little fuzzy around the edges so you keep trying, you'll get there."

-- Xena and Gabrielle in "Altered States"

"What are you doing here? I thought I told you to wait for me at the cave."
"I did and then this rock told me I had to come find you."
"The rock spoke to you?"
"Well, yeah, I mean his voice was a little gravely but I understood..."

-- Xena and Gabrielle in "Altered States"

"Did I hurt you?"
"No, no, loving every minute of it."

-- Gabrielle and Xena in "Altered States"

"Sometimes the best man for the job is a woman."

-- Ares in "The Ties that Bind"

"Were you trying to kill yourself or are you just new at this?"

-- Xena in "The Ties that Bind"

"Take the village!!"

-- Xena in "The Ties that Bind"

"Kill them all!!"

-- Xena in "The Ties that Bind"

"We all have families that we are born into, but sometimes families change, and we have to build our own. For me our friendship binds us closer than blood ever will."

-- Xena in "The Ties that Bind"

"I always bow to my enemies before I destroy them!"

-- Gabrielle in "The Greater Good"

"Well, if you shot ten arrows at me, how many do you think I'd miss?"
"Only one."
"That could be a problem, huh?"

-- Gabrielle and Xena in "The Greater Good"

"You see it left me free to revive your reputation as a wanton killer of women and children."
"I never killed women and children."
"Well, you have now."

-- Callisto and Xena in "Callisto"

"You know, there used to be some respect mixed up in my hatred for you, but not anymore. Your petty scruples are an embarrassment. As a villain, you were awesome. As a hero, you are a sentimental fool."

-- Callisto in "Callisto"

"No, look, you promise me, if something happens to me, you will not become a monster. There's only one way to end this cycle of hatred, and it's through love and forgiveness."
"Don't you go changing Gabrielle, I like you just the way you are. Go get some sleep."
"No. No, you promise me."
"I promise."

-- Gabrielle and Xena in "Callisto"

"Have you ever considered that there isn't a safe time to be around you?"

-- Gabrielle in "Death Mask"

"I think we can take them out."
"No, we can't kill them. They're the good guys, remember?"

-- random person and Xena in "Death Mask"

"Come on Xena, not even you can stop an entire war. All right, look, I did not mean that as a challenge!"
"Stay here with Ephany."
"What are you going to do?"
"I'm going to find a safe place for Ephany to have her baby, and then I'm going to stop this war."
"I've got to learn to keep my mouth shut."

-- Gabrielle and Xena in "Is There a Doctor in the House?"

"But you'll die!"
"Cynic"

-- Hippocrates and Xena in "Is There a Doctor in the House?"

Season 2

"You don't seem yourself."
"No you're wrong. I'm more myself than ever..."

-- Gabrielle and Xena in "Remember Nothing"

"You know you'd think she'd mention that her friend was taller than most pine trees."

-- Gabrielle in "The Giant Killer"

"You know, you almost died trying to save me and I really want to do something to save you."
"Farewell my warrior chums!"
"You just did."

-- Gabrielle, Joxer, and Xena in "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"

"I've missed you, Xena."
"You never wrote."

-- Callisto and Xena in "Return of Callisto"

"You know I don't drink intoxicants Theodorus. No, I like to experience life in all it's agonizing glory. I don't want to dull the sensations in any way."

-- Callisto in "Return of Callisto"

"Look Gabrielle, if it's me you're worried about, let me set your mind at rest. Seeing you happy will make me happy. And if that means settling down with Perdicus...then you have my blessing."

-- Xena in "Return of Callisto"

"It ain't over until it's over."

-- Xena in "Return of Callisto"

"If anyone is listening, you know I'm not much for praying, but I don't know what else to do. I was ready to give up once, and Gabrielle came into my life. Please, don't let that light that shines on her face go out. I couldn't stand the darkness that would follow."

-- Xena in "Return of Callisto"

"I know what the plan is! You're trying to drive me INSANE!!!"

-- Gabrielle in "Warrior...Princess...Tramp"

"Oh, this is madness! Do you really think a different dress will weaken my manly resolve? You're right!" meow

-- Joxer in "Warrior...Princess...Tramp"

"Wait wait wait...How am I supposed to know who the real Diana is?"
"Well if you come across a woman and she looks exactly like me and she displays any interest in you whatsoever as a man, that's the bad one."
"She is bad! Real bad..."

-- Joxer and Xena in "Warrior...Princess...Tramp"

"But don't worry, I'm prepared to do the honorable thing."
"Leave?"
"No, marry her! We could all travel around together. Xena and I could be like a father and mother to you."
"Guards! Please! You have to get me out of here!"

-- Joxer and Gabrielle in "Warrior...Princess...Tramp"

"Hold it right there. In the blink of an eye I can split the skull of anyone who moves with my trusty...shamrock!"

-- Meg in "Warrior...Princess...Tramp"

"If I have to listen to you two blabber anymore, somebody's going to end up seriously dead."

-- Xena in "Warrior...Princess...Tramp"

"Look into my eyes old woman, Xena's not home."
"Who are you?"
"Just another loving daughter."

-- Callisto(in Xena's body) and Cyrene in "Intimate Strangers"

"A long time ago you told me the cycle of hate has to end and the only way to end it is through love. It's a hard lesson to learn. Callisto couldn't possibly know or understand that."

-- Xena(in Callisto's body) in "Intimate Strangers"

"'Cause when you think of the dead..."
"...the dead can hear you."

-- Xena and Callisto's mother in "Intimate Strangers"

"Pain! So that's what it feels like. Not so bad really."
"Oh ya like it, huh? Well there's plenty more where that came from."

-- Ares and Gabrielle in "Ten Little Warlords"

"The rumors of my demise were greatly exaggerated."

-- Xena(in Callisto's body) in "Ten Little Warlords"

"I don't have a gift for you."
"Gabrielle, you are a gift to me."

-- Gabrielle and Xena in "A Solstice Carol"

"Think irritating little blonde."

-- Ares in "The Xena Scrolls"

"Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful."

-- Xena in "Here She Comes...Miss Amphipolis"

"Are we having fun yet?"

-- Xena in "Here She Comes...Miss Amphipolis"

"Where did you steal that dress?"
"Stygera"
"Maybe someday you can go back for the rest of it."

-- Caesar and Xena in "Destiny"

"You have a destiny Xena, but you have to choose it."

-- M�Lila in "Destiny"

"When the living think of the dead, the dead can hear their thoughts."

-- M�Lila in "Destiny"

"Xena, above all, remember your destiny. Remember it and fight, fight to come back. This world needs you. I need you."

-- Gabrielle in "Destiny"

"Those who don't heed my warning...will pay a terrible price."

-- Xena in "Destiny"

"Tell Hades to prepare himself. A new Xena is born tonight with a new purpose in life...death."

-- Xena in "Destiny"

"Every night I see it happen. Every morning I wish it was a dream."

-- Gabrielle in "The Quest"

"I would've told her how empty my life was before she came, and all the lessons I learned...and that I love her."

-- Gabrielle in "The Quest"

"Ah, another day, another defilement."

-- Autolycus in "The Quest"

"Focus on what we're here for."
"I'm not just leering at scantily clad women you know, I'm working."

-- Xena and Autolycus in "The Quest"

"Would you calm down? There's barely enough room up here for my paranoia."

-- Autolycus in "The Quest"

"Xena, I'll always love you, but I know I have to let you go."

-- Gabrielle in "The Quest"

"You know there are two kinds of tears. Tears for those who leave you and tears for those who you never let go. And I won't say goodbye to you Xena, 'cause we'll be together again one day."

-- Gabrielle in "The Quest"

"Autolycus, get your hand off my butt."
"This is not helping our working relationship."

-- Gabrielle and Autolycus in "The Quest"

"You know, for a few moments I knew what it was like to be you."
"And?"
"It was warm, friendly, loving."
"Gabrielle, it was a fight."

-- Gabrielle and Xena in "The Quest"

"Xena?"
"Yeah?"
"Promise me that you'll never die on me again."
"Oh, I promise."

-- Gabrielle and Xena in "The Quest"

"Xena, I can�t lose you again."
"Gabrielle, I�ll always be here."

-- Gabrielle and Xena in "The Quest"

"Does an Amazon Queen beat a Warrior Princess?"
"Do you really want to find out?"

-- Gabrielle and Xena in "A Necessary Evil"

"You must have a death wish."
"You know it's funny, I think I do."

-- Valasca and Callisto in "A Necessary Evil"

"You don't just kill me and walk away."

-- Callisto in "A Necessary Evil"

"I don�t want to die."
"I don�t really want to kill you."
"Go with it."

-- Gabrielle and Valasca in "A Necessary Evil"

"I like to be creative in a fight, it gets my juices going."
"Can we cook with your juices?"

-- Xena and Gabrielle in "A Day in the Life"

"Does Xena ever think about settling down?"
"Nah, she likes what I do...Ack!...I think she likes what she�s doing."

-- Hower and Gabrielle in "A Day in the Life"

"Why does this always happen?"
"It's the blue eyes, the leather, some guys just love leather."
"I think a wardrobe change is in order."
"You could wear chainmail."
"Yeah, but I think that'd just attract a kinkier group."
"You�re probably right."
"On the other hand, I could just stop bathing and wear a smelly wolf skin. That�d turn �em off."
"That�s true. Of course, you�d also be traveling alone."

-- Xena and Gabrielle in "A Day in the Life"

"Maybe you can kick him around a little bit."
"Yeah, but he might like it."

-- Gabrielle and Xena in "A Day in the Life"

"You used my scrolls?!"

-- Gabrielle in "A Day in the Life"

"It's gonna smell like fish for days."

-- Xena in "A Day in the Life"

"Are you sitting on the soap?"
"I was wondering what that was."

-- Gabrielle and Xena in "A Day in the Life"

"She's in that anything-to-please-the-warrior-princess haze."

-- Gabrielle about Minya in "A Day in the Life"

"The whip is mine, frying pan's yours. Hower is mine, she's yours."

-- Minya to Xena in "A Day in the Life"

"You put people on a pedestal sooner or later they're going to fall and your expectations fall with them."
"I put people on a pedestal?"

-- Xena and Gabrielle in "The Execution"

"When I'm that age I hope I'm knitting socks."
"Don't worry about it. People in our line of work never get to be that age."
"That's a comforting thought."

-- Gabrielle and Xena in "The Execution"

"Look, my best friend is Xena, Warrior Princess and she is not going to like this forced wedding thing, if you get my drift."

-- Gabrielle in "Blind Faith"

"I can't marry the king because my heart belongs to another. And even though I can't be with them now, I'm not ready to be with anyone else."

-- Gabrielle in "Blind Faith"

"It's not you it's me. I'm just not ready for this kind of commitment. Which is probably better for you anyway because all the men I get serious about seem to wind up dead."

-- Gabrielle in "Blind Faith"

"I said I could learn something from you and I did. You are who you pretend to be. So you'd better pretend to be something you can live with."
"Be careful, Palamon. We all eventually become what we pretend we are."

-- Palamon and Xena in "Blind Faith"

"Gabrielle, you've been so good for me. I don't think I would ever have let myself feel the way I feel now about Ulysses if it wasn't for you teaching me how to love."

-- Xena in "Ulysses"

"Promise me one thing?"
"What?"
"You'll follow your heart and don't worry about me."
"You're part of my heart."

-- Gabrielle and Xena in "Ulysses"

"What are you doing?"
"Tying you up."
"All right, I'm game. What do you have in mind? Ow!"

-- Xena and Ulysses in "Ulysses"

"Well, isn't that just a typical man. I give you a few smiles and a kiss and you're convinced that I'm in love with you. You're kidding yourself. I was embarrassed with all that mush you were spewing the other night. The only reason I didn't shoot you down right then is because I didn't think you could handle it. So let me lay it on the line for you, Ulysses. You're not my type."

-- Xena in "Ulysses"

"I got a chance to make someone I care about happy. That's the best reward you can have in life."

-- Xena in "Ulysses"

"No...No...You understand hatred, but you have never given into it...You don't know how much I love...that."

-- Xena to Gabrielle "The Price"

"Who are you, Xena? What happened to the Xena I know?"
"That Xena can't help us now. If losing her is the price for saving us all, I'll pay it."

-- Gabrielle and Xena in "The Price"

"Joxer! That pipsqueak? I will kill him!"
"You gave your word that you wouldn't hurt him."
"Oh, I won't. I will cut his head off so fast he won't feel a thing."

-- Draco and Gabrielle in "A Comedy of Eros"

"Look! Cherries! I love cherries."
"Me too."
"Did I mention I'm a widow?"

-- Gabrielle and Draco in "A Comedy of Eros"

"You would kill the woman you love?"
"The question is, would you?"

-- Xena and Draco in "A Comedy of Eros"

"I had the score of a decade. Then you show up and not only wreck it, but you make me look bad in front of my woman!"
"Well, ain't love a bitch."

-- Draco and Xena in "A Comedy of Eros"

"Gabrielle, this is crazy. You can't be in love with Joxer. He's...well...he's Joxer."

-- Xena in "A Comedy of Eros"

"I'm sorry, sweetie. That hurt me a lot more than it hurt you. Sweetie? Did I say sweetie? I've never used that word in my life before. But he's so cute!"

-- Xena in "A Comedy of Eros"

"Just between you and me? Being chaste can be real hard."

-- Gabrielle in "A Comedy of Eros"

"I never knew love could be so exhausting."
"Yeah, but worth the work."
"Xena! Do I hear a touch of romance in your voice?"
"Not if I hear a touch of the I told you so in yours."

-- Gabrielle and Xena in "A Comedy of Eros"

"Can you imagine the two of us in love?"
"Ridiculous."
"Yeah, kind of makes you laugh just to think about it."

-- Gabrielle and Joxer in "A Comedy of Eros"

Season 3

"I came here on business, Alecto."
"I know, Xena. You're obsessed with her."

-- Ares and Alecto in "The Furies"

"The night Xena was conceived my husband came home unexpectedly from war."

-- Cyrene in "The Furies"

"The legends say, that Ares takes the form of his warriors and he visits their wives while they're away at battle."

-- Gabrielle in "The Furies"

"Did you know that sanity is just a veil that the gods throw over our eyes to stop us from seeing the truth?"
"What is the truth, Xena?"
"It's that life is a joke, it's a bar room joke at that. And you know what the punch line is? The punch line is, that no matter what we do, we still end up as food for the worms...I leave you to entertain the gods. I'm retiring from the stage."

-- Xena and Cyrene in "The Furies"

"Tell me mother, when you and daddy were rolling around like a pair of crazed weasels, was it good?"

-- Xena in "The Furies"

"Gabrielle, do you think that Xena, even in this state, could kill her mother? I killed Xena's father."

-- Cyrene in "The Furies"

"But how could she kill my father when my father is very much alive, right daddy?"

-- Xena in "The Furies"

"Yeah, I'm completely out of my gourd and I might cut mama up later just for fun, but not because she killed my father."

-- Xena in "The Furies"

"I am a lunatic with lethal combat skills. If I stay around here much longer some innocent people are going to get killed. I'm doing them a favor."

-- Xena in "The Furies"

"I'm in trouble, aren't I, Gabrielle?"

-- Xena in "The Furies"

"I'll rise but I refuse to shine."

-- Gabrielle in "Been There, Done That"

"Sleep now, you'll hurt less in the morning."

-- Xena in "Been There, Done That"

"Group hug!!!!!"

-- Joxer in "Been There, Done That"

"It's not the Fates, it's not Ares, it's not something I ate, no, I have no poison dart marks, I have no Bacchae bites!"
"Is that a hickey?"

-- Xena and Joxer in "Been There, Done That"

"So you're saying that today is actually yesterday for you. But for us today is today because we can't remember that yesterday was today, right?"

-- Gabrielle in "Been There, Done That"

"It'll be all right, Joxer. It has to be."

-- Xena in "Been There, Done That"

"Nobody underestimates Xena. They underestimate you. You've got a hot spot for the killer babe and when push comes to shove you follow your, uh, lower instincts, know what I mean?"

-- Agathon to Ares in "The Dirty Half Dozen"

"Xena, I've changed so much since I met you. Wonder how much of that is timing."
"Does it really matter?"
"Am I really who I am, or am I what you made me?"

-- Gabrielle and Xena in "The Dirty Half Dozen"

"These people, all of them, were they murderers before you met them? It seems like maybe they..."
"Gabrielle, it was me. I changed them."

-- Gabrielle and Xena in "The Dirty Half Dozen"

"Gabrielle is a good teacher. Who knows, if I had met her back when I met you maybe it'd be me who changed."

-- Xena in "The Dirty Half Dozen"

"I've got that answer to your question. Are you who you are or are you who I made you."
"And?"
"You're Gabrielle, bard, Amazon Princess, best friend. Nobody made you who you are; it was already there. Question is, who would I be without you?"

-- Xena and Gabrielle in "The Dirty Half Dozen"

"I don't think I've ever been a part of a true disaster before."
"You're such a cynic."

-- Gabrielle and Xena in "The Dirty Half Dozen"

"That's gotta be uncomfortable."

-- Darnelle in "The Dirty Half Dozen"

"I'm not sure who hates the Romans more-- Boadicea or your friend."
"Xena doesn't hate the Romans-- just Caesar. She had a run-in with him a long time ago, and he, uh-- he betrayed her."

-- Khrafstar and Gabrielle in "The Deliverer"

"You know her? Of course, you know her. You're a "Who's Who" of Warriors."

-- Gabrielle in "The Deliverer"

"This is NOT the one god of the Israelites!"

-- Xena in "The Deliverer"

"Gabrielle, who did this?"
"I did. I killed her. I killed her, Xena."
"No, Gabrielle, you couldn't�"
"No, I did. I just stabbed her. I stabbed�"
"Accidentally, you�"
"No, I stabbed her. Xena, I murdered her."

-- Xena and Gabrielle in "The Deliverer"

"Xena?"
"I'm here, Gabrielle."
"It hurts inside."
"What?"
"Everything's changed�everything."

-- Gabrielle and Xena in "The Deliverer"

"I hope I never disappoint you, Xena."
"Impossible."
"I've learned that anything is possible."

-- Gabrielle and Xena in "The Debt"

"With shattered legs and crippled soul I went east, to lose myself in vengeance, not against Caesar, but the entire human race."

-- Xena in "The Debt"

"I don't know if you people pray to the gods, but if you don't, now would be a good time to start."

-- Xena in "The Debt"

"You owe someone so much you would just throw away these last few years?"
"Yes."

-- Gabrielle and Xena in "The Debt"

"I love you, Xena."
"Love you too, Gabrielle."

-- Gabrielle and Xena in "The Debt II"

"Can we talk? Of course not. I betrayed you. The pathetic thing is-- I thought I was saving you. My reverence for life kept a brutal tyrant in power, and led to my best friend's execution. I know you hate me Xena-- no more than I hate myself."
"Scratch my nose, will you?"

-- Gabrielle and Xena in "The Debt II"

"I know you only did what you thought was right. I was angry with you, but I didn't hate you. I never could."

-- Xena in "The Debt II"

"Let's say the winner gets me-- and a body part from each of the losers."
"What do you mean?"
"A body part. Minimum bet is a hand...You got the jewels for this one?"

-- Xena and Ming Tzu in "The Debt II"

"Autolycus, an innocent person is going to die."
"No he isn't, because he is leaving."
"It's a chance to do something really good."
"Ha."
"And get a really big reward."
"Oh, she had to say the 'R' word."

-- Gabrielle and Autolycus in "King of Assassins"

"My child, you seem a little troubled."
"Troubled is a polite word for what I am."

-- Leah and Gabrielle in "Warrior�Priestess�Tramp"

"Do I sense a nonbeliever among us?"
"I just think you�d do better if you placed a little more faith in yourself."
"Well, looks like someone's caught a speeding chariot to Tartarus."

-- Leah and Xena in "Warrior...Priestess...Tramp"

"If I have to go the rest of my life without companionship, knowing myself won�t be a problem."

-- Gabrielle in "Warrior...Priestess...Tramp"

"I am not afraid to die. Not if it is Hestia�s will."
"Hestia? The virgin goddess? What does she have to do with the price of grapes in Carthage?"
"She is my salvation. I do as she ordains."
"Since when?"

-- Leah and Gabrielle in "Warrior...Priestess...Tramp"

"Virgins only."
"Is it written on my forehead?!"

-- guard and Gabrielle in "Warrior...Priestess...Tramp"

"Heathens to the left of me, Infidels to the right. Next thing you�ll be telling me you�re not virgins...gasp"
"I was married at the time."
"Well we all have our little excuses."

-- Leah and Gabrielle in "Warrior...Priestess...Tramp"

"You don�t have to be a virgin to be virtuous."
"Oh, yes, you keep telling yourself that."

-- Gabrielle and Leah in "Warrior...Priestess...Tramp"

"The woman I love is working here�On the other hand, I am just one small business transaction away from pressing my lips against her. What am I saying?"

-- Joxer in "Warrior...Priestess...Tramp"

"Leather-- mention the leather."

-- Ares in "The Quill is Mightier..."

"We were starting to-- warm up to each other there, weren't we?"
"Yeah, we were."
"I didn't like it."
"Right back at ya."

-- Ares and Gabrielle in "The Quill is Mightier..."

"Look I really hate to be the one to break up a major love-fest, but look at me. I'm not built to be a mortal."

-- Aphrodite in "The Quill is Mightier..."

"I expected more from the God of War. Without his powers he's just another man. Just another big 'ol, leather clad, well muscled, gorgeous hunk of bad boy man."

-- Minya in "The Quill is Mightier..."

"You'll do what? You gonna make my life a living Hell? Old hat dear."

-- Callisto in "Maternal Instincts"

"All these years I've spent living to destroy you, thinking that, only if I can give you the same pain that you gave me, I'd be rid of it. And then I do. And nothing changes. I don't feel better. Just empty."

-- Callisto in "Maternal Instincts"

"You're wrong Callisto. You let your pain kill you years ago. I'm gonna live with mine."

-- Xena in "Maternal Instincts"

"No you lied to me. I trusted you and you lied to me. Now Solan is dead. My son is dead, because of you."

-- Xena in "Maternal Instincts"

"Ding dong, the bitch is dead."

-- Ares in "Bitter Suite"

"Tell me how you feel? Right now, nothing about the past, right now."
"I hurt inside. Don�t you?"

-- Xena and Gabrielle in "Bitter Suite"

"A new theory I�m testing for sprains. Elevation�and ice-cold water."
"Yeah, well I'm not very thirsty."

-- Xena and Gabrielle in "One Against an Army"

"Pheidippides-- can you run on to Athens and tell them about Marathon?"
"Yes."
"Good. Pace yourself. In this heat, a run like that could kill you."

-- Xena and Pheidippides in "One Against an Army"

"Give up the horse-- or the last thing you see will be your heart in my hand."
"I don't give up my heart to just anyone."

-- Dorian and Xena in "One Against an Army"

"Stopping an army, isn't that something you try 300 times before you do it?"

-- Gabrielle in "One Against an Army"

"How many campfires?"
"30 or 40."
"10 men or so per fire. That's good. For a minute there, I thought we were in trouble."

-- Gabrielle and Xena in "One Against an Army"

"I want so much to be like you."
"And I want to be like you."

-- Gabrielle and Xena in "One Against an Army"

"Even in death, Gabrielle, I will never leave you"

-- Xena in "One Against An Army"

"Go home, there are thousands more like me."

-- Xena in "One Against an Army"

"It's easier to believe in yourself after someone else has believed in you first."

-- Gabrielle in "Forgiven"

"Oh no. I knew you were evil, but you were obnoxious too?"

-- Gabrielle to Xena in "Forgiven"

"Where'd you get that sword?"
"Oh, actually they say I take after my father in that respect."
"The sword on the table."
"Oh, that sword."

-- Xena and Rafe in "King Con"

"Trust me, Raif, no man can make her."

-- Elvin in "King Con"

"Xena, this is impossible, how can you just�this is Rome, you can't, you�"
"There's a sentence in there just dying to get out."

-- Caesar and Xena in "When in Rome"

"Yes, an old friend, enemy, friend. I forget where we left off."
"We weren't on speaking terms."

-- Caesar and Xena in "When in Rome"

"I'll send over the finger this belongs on tomorrow. And after that, I'll be more creative."

-- Xena in "When in Rome"

"Pain's just nature's way of saying, 'Hey, you're alive!.'"

-- Ares in "Forget Me Not"

"It's very strange. In every story you tell me this thing I wear get smaller and smaller. Is it enchanted?"

-- Gabrielle in "Forget Me Not"

"I wanted to betray her. I gave her everything and it meant nothing to her. I hated her for loving someone else. I wanted her to hurt, I wanted her to be punished. And I almost got her killed. Why, my hatred and jealousy almost destroyed my best friend."

-- Gabrielle in "Forget Me Not"

"If the bowl is ever emptied, so go my memories."
"And the pain, all that pain."
"And memories of my youth, my parents, my loves."
"The betrayal, the killing, the death of your child."
"And Xena."
"Bottom line, Gabrielle, you won't miss what you never knew."

-- Gabrielle and Ares in "Forget Me Not"

"Take me, Joxer, now. Like the time, just before you saved Ulysses."

-- Gabrielle in "Forget Me Not"

"What'd you expect?"
"From you, nothing. From me, nothing less."

-- Macon and Xena in "Tsunami"

"I want oblivion. I want my life to end. I want it all to stop. No nothing. No memories, no Tartarus, nothing."

-- Callisto in "Sacrifice"

"But I'm a god now, Xena. Welcome to my world. Now get ready to leave it."

-- Callisto in "Sacrifice"

"You are so not like your mother."

-- Ares to Hope in "Sacrifice II"

"Well, it is a good disguise, it'll attract less attention then walking around naked I suppose."

-- Callisto in "Sacrifice II"

"So how about it? I scratch your back, you stab mine."

-- Callisto in "Sacrifice II"

"May you live forever."

-- Xena to Callisto in "Sacrifice II"

"I never thought I'd feel so good again. Seeing poor dear Gabrielle sacrifice herself makes it all worth while. It finally gave me a reason for living, and I have you to thank for it, Xena."

-- Callisto in "Sacrifice II"

Disclaimers

In case you haven't noticed, the end of every episode of Xena has a disclaimer, along the lines of the "No animals were harmed in the production of this motion picture," but with a slight twist. Again, these are only the disclaimers that tickle my fancy. I can direct you to websites with all disclaimers if you wish.

"No Ancient and Inflexible Rules governing moral behavior were harmed during the production of this motion picture."

-- "The Royal Couple of Thieves"

"Excessive belching can cause brain damage and social ostracism. Kids, please don't give in to peer pressure. Play it Safe."

-- "The Greater Good"

"No messenger doves were harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, several were reported missing in action, and search-and-rescue efforts are under way."

-- "Death Mask"

"Being that war is hell, lots of people were harmed during the production of this motion picture (but since television is a dramatic medium of make believe, all casualties removed their prosthetic make-up and went home unscathed)."

-- "Is There a Doctor in the House?"

"Although Xena finally conquered her dark nemesis Callisto, it took her weeks to get the sand out of her leather unmentionables."

-- "Return of Callisto"

"Argo was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, she is undergoing intensive psychotherapy to help her work through her resentment and feelings of distrust toward Xena."

-- "Intimate Strangers"

"No one was harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, Xena's ability to recover her body was severely impeded by Lucy Lawless' unexpected mishap."

-- "Ten Little Warlords"

"Julius Caesar was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, the producers deny responsibility of any unfortunate acts of betrayal occurring soon thereafter."

-- "Destiny"

"Xena's body was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, it took weeks for Autolycus to get his swagger back."

-- "The Quest"

"The reputation of the Amazon Nation was not harmed despite Valesca's overly radical adherence to an otherwise valid belief system."

-- "A Necessary Evil"

"Once again, Gabrielle's luck with men was harmed during the production of this motion picture."

-- "Blind Faith"

"No Cherries were harmed during the production of this motion picture."

-- "Comedy of Eros"

"The rooster was not harmed during the production of this motion picture, although his feathers were severely ruffled. However, a little gel and mousse straightened out the mess."

-- "Been There, Done That"

"No Convicts were reformed during the production of this motion picture. Can't we all just get along?"

-- "The Dirty Half Dozen"

"Despite another Xena look-alike, the gene pool (or rather gene puddle) was not harmed during the production of this motion picture."

-- "Warrior...Priestess...Tramp"

"No naked Gabrielles were harmed during the production of this motion picture."

-- "The Quill is Mightier..."

"No self-righteous magistrates intent on suppressing the basic human right of freedom of expression were harmed during the production of this motion picture."

-- "A Tale of Two Muses"

"Paradise was found, but not necessarily embraced, during the production of this motion picture."

-- "Paradise Found"

"Any similarities between Hanuman and a major character in the motion picture classic "Planet of the Apes" is purely coincidental."

-- "The Way"

"Although no great literary works were harmed or plagiarized, a few thespians stole some scenes during the production of this motion picture."

-- "The Play's the Thing"

"No sword-wielding, card-playing, therapy-seeking French Freedom fighters were delivered during the production of this motion picture. However rumors of Custer and Pocahontas remain unconfirmed."

-- "Deja Vu All Over Again"

"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned."

-- "Fallen Angel"

"Ares' Libido was not harmed during the production of this motion picture."

-- "Succession"

"Ares' virility was harmed during the production of this motion picture."

-- "Eternal Bonds"

Misc

This section contains my random leftover quotes. They are either quotes that I remember hearing but cannot place, or quotes from Xena's sister show, Hercules, usually one of the crossover episodes.

"It took Hephastus months to forge those weapons."
"Yeah, well, Hephastus needs a new hobby like, maybe, knitting."

-- Ares and Hercules in "Armageddon Now"

"I guess I have more skills than I thought."

-- Alternate Xena in "Stranger in a Strange World"

"Did you see the nosebleed I gave him? There was blood everywhere. Then the next thing I saw was you, which is a very pleasant sight."

-- Gabrielle

If I have quoted anything incorrectly, or missed some quote you believe is important, please let me know!

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